Shifting Furniture

Posted on 01/04/2013 @ 11:29am by Commander Snowfire K'Leysha PhD

 

I....remember the first thing that the instructor at the Academy told me. He said it was a quote - paraphrased mind. One that I had to look up afterwards actually.

"You're going to stumble, make mistakes, I know more than a few before you find your footing. But you'll learn from those mistakes. That's what Starfleet is about."

I guess he was right. It's difficult, finding a place in a world that you really don't know. Especially after your own has been blown to pieces by the actions of those you look to for guidance - and absolutely have to trust. And now I'm finding myself there again. Stumbling. Looking at what I've just seen, and what I was taught. What I experienced on Earth before being transferred out here to Lotus Fleet. Starfleet's finest. Sometimes...I'm not so sure. Especially now.

I always knew that Starfleet Intelligence existed I guess. And, yes, somewhere I guess I knew also that there had to be a darker side to the organisation that was so different - and in so many ways that were good! - from the IDF. I mean, yes, my people have their good sides. But we've...suffered. A lot. Humanity suffered a century or two. We lost so many times more. And that hurt us. Part of the reason, I think, that we created something that was a defence force first - and everything else second. Starfleet...well they're having to become that now. But humanity has an infectous way of making any darkness seem like that just before the dawn. And it shows by how they rose from the ashes so differently to us.

But now I'm there again, and I can feel myself slipping. And, yes, I know why.

Sorripto.

Oh yes, I know there should be a rank there. But...I can't give him that. Not after what he did. Maybe it's foolish. Definitely hypocritical considering all I've done. But...I was sorry for it. He doesn't seem to have even given it a thought. Could I forgive him for that? Maybe. But I could never trust him. And I can't understand why he's even being allowed to 'help' here. He betrayed us once. I...no. It's settled.

I sent my transfer papers. I'm getting off the McKenzie the moment we dock. And then I'm going to try and find someone to talk to, before I do something that I know I'll regret - regardless of how good it might feel. And try to find someone to talk to. My team's good, yes. But they need their rest. And...I don't think any of them could help right now.

End log.